A Summer at Home

It’s weird now that I realize there’s an awful lot of songs referred to being 17. It seems like all the songwriters out there are obsessed with seventeen-year-old, or the idea of being 17. I cannot understand the beauty that lies in being a seventeen-year-old or the underlying reasons to romanticize it. Live your life. Enjoy your youth. Love someone. Explore the world. The kids my age on the media are all portrayed to live a life like this. And then here I am, lying in my bed, listening to some music and having a weekly existential crisis.

To me, being 17 is weird. It’s weird now that in less than a year I will have to say farewell with my childhood and enter the boring world of adults. It’s weird that the world of cartoons, of unattainable dreams and naive hopes will soon disappear. And then I will eventually find myself alone in the world of pressure, of deadline, of jealousy and hypocrisy.

Few weeks ago, i was having a weekly check-up at my dentist when a nurse ask me “What university would you like to apply to”. “What kind of major?”. She told me to speak up because I was too quite behind the mask. I almost yelled “I DON’T KNOW” and risk humiliating myself in a room filled with curious eyes. These types of question still startle me. But what is the point of knowing about the goals and plans of a stranger in the first place?

I assert my youth. But simultaneously I situate myself in relation to time. Time is my companion and, at the same time, my worst enemy. Yet I long for tomorrow, whereas everything in me ought to reject it. What frightens me is time, and everything that comes along with it. And yet time is inevitable. Tomorrow will come. It will be the same as today, and yesterday, and the day before yesterday… Same small corner, same state of soul, same daily gestures. I can feel it. I can feel a part of youth shattering into pieces, falling into fathomless darkness. I can hear the lamenting sound of a quivering youth, being buried inside four concrete walls.

“Live your life. Enjoy your youth. Love someone. Explore the world.”. These sentences repeat like some cliche mantras. And yes it is indeed summer. The season of sunshine, of the beaches, of ice cream, of summer dress, of midnight memories, and outdoors. But then what can I do? Venturing outdoors in the middle of a pandemic, pursuing a paradox only to realize that it is nothing but water slipping through my fingers? I don’t need the adventure, the holiday, the beaches, the luxurious resorts to know that it is indeed summer. These scents of grass and stars at night and the summer breeze in certain evenings when the heart relaxes teach me much more.

My seventeenth summer is filled with hope, ambition, and uncertainty. But maybe one day when I look back, I’ll realize how much I’ve grown. I will realize that instead of the adventures, the midnight memories doing reckless things, it is indeed this uncertainty that made my memories. The uncertainties – the stones of my colorless desert, the color of my seventeenth year.

In less than a year I’ll officially become a grumpy, boring adult. But at least I’ll be an adult with memories.

8 Comments

  1. If I’ve learned anything at all in my years on this planet so far(I’m well over 45), it’s that my youth was the time to learn and try and fall down and get up again. No matter what season. You don’t have to “know” where you’re going – especially when it comes to answering strangers. Yes, things will be expected of you. You can meet those expectations and still be exploring who you want to be. Have a wonderful summer however you choose to experience it, and more than that, do everything in your power to get what you can out of the years you’re in right now. Your body will forgive you for whatever adventures you decide to pursue and ultimately so will the world around you, at least for a few more years. 🙏

    Liked by 2 people

  2. As an adult– I learned to play guitar, been to numerous rock concerts and movies, traveled to several countries and across the USA, been employed by various jobs and learning different skills, partied like an animal, drove various trucks and cars, made a ton of friends– a lot of which was shared with my wonderful wife. I could go on and on. But boring or exciting is how you make it. Just go for it. And if continuing school is in your plans, study what excites you– not your family or school counselors. Peace, brother.
    Art

    Liked by 1 person

Gửi bình luận

Mời bạn điền thông tin vào ô dưới đây hoặc kích vào một biểu tượng để đăng nhập:

WordPress.com Logo

Bạn đang bình luận bằng tài khoản WordPress.com Đăng xuất /  Thay đổi )

Google photo

Bạn đang bình luận bằng tài khoản Google Đăng xuất /  Thay đổi )

Twitter picture

Bạn đang bình luận bằng tài khoản Twitter Đăng xuất /  Thay đổi )

Facebook photo

Bạn đang bình luận bằng tài khoản Facebook Đăng xuất /  Thay đổi )

Connecting to %s