parallel planets

I didn’t mean to fall in love. I kept saying this to myself, over and over again. That I shouldn’t fall in love. Not this soon, not after I was eventually able to move on from a long-lasting unrequited love. This should be the time I spend taking care of myself, and cherishing myself after years of throwing away my values while chasing for something that was so obscure and ambiguous. And yet I fall in love again. One-sided, unrequited.

I didn’t know it was love at first. I thought that it was just a temporary crush, and that after a good night’s sleep, you will completely disappear from my head. But you stayed. You stayed there all night long, minutes after minutes, days after days. 

Suddenly I was curious about you. I wanted to know your feelings. I wanted to know your favourite songs, what kind of music do you sing. I wanted to know the meaning behind your drawings. I wanted to know the sound of your heartbeat. I wanted to know your favourite books, your favourite time of the year, favourite dishes, favourite place, favourite people. I wanted to know about your scars, and the real face behind your masks. And that was when I fell in love.

I love how your face shines under the sun. I love every single mark on your wrist, and every bruise on your legs. I love the way your nose scrunches up when you smile, or how you smirk when you try to be sarcastic. I love the way your hair blows in the cool summer breeze, or when I get butterflies in my stomach every time I see you. I love each and every scar that rests on your body. I love all the big things, but especially the little things. 

If someone told me to describe this feeling, I probably couldn’t mutter a single word. But I know what this felt like. Like a thousand fireworks bursting inside my head, like a swarm of butterflies filling my stomach, like waves crashing against the shore on a starry night. You felt like a dream. A vivid, surreal, yet peaceful dream. 

We may not share the same feelings. I may be the only person who waits, who risks my heart being hurted, who chases something that I don’t think I will ever have. Our love may not bloom. We may be two parallel planets, orbitting on the same plane but never touch. And yet for the first time in a while, I feel happy.

Or was it supposed to be this way all the time?

this is dedicated to my friend, her youth, and her feelings.

forever.

love is
the fuel that allows us to go on loving,
a graceful lover,
the starry sky on the darkness nights,
the fresh breeze caressing your skin,
the warm sun ray on a summer morning.

when we were in love,
we projected our dreams on the waves,
promised to the breeze.
and my heart ached here,
on this tiny, solitary island in the ocean current.

even if love fades away,
even if it’s unrequited,
you still have the memories,
the feelings,
the wildflowers of emotions,
and the trees of hope.

“i will love you forever”,
you said.
but little do you know
forever, needless to say, is a very long time.

beautiful darkness.

there are days

when things hit hard,

when all the pain pour out,

and the flickering stars in my galaxy

disappear.

beautiful darkness.

there are days

when the waves in my quite sea rise

to sink the ship of my light,

my hope,

my euphoria.

when everything

disappears

the moment i wake up.

beautiful darkness.

there are days

when i realize

“you may be broken and unhinged

like a flickering star in a dying universe,

gasping to live

but so are shooting stars and comets.”

live.

because starlight shines brighter on the darkest nights.

beautiful darkness.

is my happiness a burden to you?

mother, is my happiness a burden to you?

all those dreams, all the hopes.

if I muster up the courage to tell you “I will go”, will you wish I didn’t say these three words to you?

“I’ll go to another country, to another city other than this one” I said.

how can I let my heart moulder in this place?

same old streets, same neighborhoods, same faces.

will you yell? frown at me? or turn your eyes away?

will your love sink into despair?

wherever I turn, wherever I happen to look

you are there,

turning gray with time.

this place stays within you.

even if there is no ship for me, there is no road

my hope stays.

to be far away, to leave behind my darkness;

mother, is my happiness a burden to you?

credit: pinterest and mr. harry edward styles